Scorsese to Direct Angry Birds Movie… In Our Dreams

How many precious moments of life has the hyper-addictive game Angry Birds stolen from the human race? Available on every device spanning the iOS family, as well as on choice Palm and Nokia handsets and Android hardware. The brilliant app has become such a success that back in August, the game’s developer, Rovio, revealed that they were interested in expanding Angry Birds across a number of mediums, including books, toys, and console gaming systems. In a conversation with Variety, Rovio’s CEO Mikael Hed admitted that they’d even been shopping the screen rights to the game around to a number of major studios.

Did they find any big Hollywood fish willing to bite?

We can’t say for sure. But we did receive a package that was destined for a producer whose name we can’t disclose because the handwriting on the package was so bad. We can’t really tell if it’s in English. Thanks to what we can only assume is the over-caffeinated scribblings of a production assistant, the package was inadvertantly sent to Mac|Life.

Inside the coffee stained package appears to be a few pages of script and, yes, a poster for what will no doubt be the movie event of the decade: Angry Birds–A film by Martin Scorsese. While it’s the group consensus here at the office that we won’t releasing the whole script back to its original owners until our lavish ransom demands have been met, we couldn’t resist offering you all a taste of what the movie going public has to look forward to.

We’ll ask you to frame the scene in your mind:

You enter a dimly-lit lounge. The place is packed to the rafters with thirsty customers. Walking up to the bar, you hear an uproar spill over from a table in the corner as a little bird with a whole lotta attitude relates the jovial story of his day to his brothers-in-arms…

Blue Bird:
So, What’s really funny is that I just finished knocking over this lousy egg-sucking pig’s house, right? As I’m flying through the air, I split into three little birds and BOOM the whole frigging house goes down, y’know? Anyway, this pig cop comes along. He totally misses the blocks of ice and wood and rock all over the place, and he starts hassling me. Me! ‘Hey,’ he says to me ‘hey, whaddaya think you’re doing, relaxing on the ground, huh? Whaddaya gonna tell me? ’ I tells him ‘I was thinking about knocking down your ma’s house.’ He says to me ‘pardon?’ I tell him ‘What are yer ears painted on? I said I was thinking about knocking down your Ma’s house, now get outta here! He goes rolling off like his rear end was on fire! Pow! Ping! Man, I tell ya, pig cops, eh?

[Laughter from all]

Red Bird:
[laughing] Ah man, that was funny—you’re one funny bird!

Blue Bird:
Funny? Funny how?

Red Bird:
It’s a good story. The way you tell it. You’re a funny bird.

Blue Bird:
What? You mean the way that I talk?

Red Bird:
It’s just… you know… you’re… it’s the way you tell the story is all. You’re a funny bird.
 
Blue Bird:
Funny how? I mean, what’s funny about it?

Yellow Bird:
Blue, you got it all wrong.

Blue Bird:
Yellow, no. He’s a big bird—Red knows what he said. [Looks to Red] What’d you say? Let me understand this, ’cause you know, maybe it’s me; I was busy splitting into three smaller birds and knocking over houses all day, so I’m a little messed up. I’m funny how? Funny how? I’m like a clown here to amuse you? How am I funny?

I’m sure you’ll agree that there’s an Oscar lurking in there somewhere. Please, Mr. Scorsese: contact us. Let us know that what we have here is more than just the poison burrito-addled scribblings of hallucinating journalists. Pay us a massive sum of money to reclaim your script and make this, which we are certain will be the greatest movie of your career.

 

Follow this article’s author, Seamus Bellamy on Twitter.

 


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